I have, on more than one occasion, been described by my friends as a serial monogamist. It has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve managed to spend the last ten years of my life in and out of long-term relationships without them ever actually amounting to a long-term commitment. I’m not quite a ‘Runaway Bride’: I’ve never so much as ‘had a ring on it’ let alone stood in front of a crowd of people in a white dress…but I do seem to be, if only unwittingly, skilled at vow aversion.
So what have I taken away from this? In 10 years of relationship history there must be something. Well…After all the laughter and bitter disappointments, the bickering over bedtime bylaws, the insufferably silent waits for the food to arrive at restaurants, after all the first kisses and the final goodbyes there is one thing about the nature of relationships that has become glaringly apparent: boredom is by far the best barometer for below-par love matches there ever was.
People are, afterall, creatures of habit and if you’re not unhealthily in love with a person then the odds are that you will be soon sick of all those darling little idiosyncracies, the same idiosyncracies that are the very reason the “right person” would fall in love with them. My parents, as a case in point, have been together for 34 years. Now I’ve only been around for 28 of those but if I hear dad tell the “hilarious” story of when we were locked out of our holiday apartment in Greece and how he had to leap across the balconies to gain entrance whilst being gawked at by an audience of bemused tourists eating their steak and chips in a restaurant below I think I’m going to find my own balcony and throw myself off it. Our mam shows no suicidal signs however. In fact she laughs along and helps him finish, and often furnish, the story. If that’s not true love I don’t know what is.
So if you don’t envision yourself begging your better half to tell you, once again, about that time they got turned away from Peckham Multiplex of being “too intoxicated” 30 years down the line. If you’re against reminiscing about how you got together over a glass of wine and a slice of pizza because you were both there and know how the story turned out, so what’s the point? If you’d rather watch late-night junk TV than go to bed with your significant other and digest the day under the duvet or, worse still, if you’ve realised in the time it’s taken you to read this blogpost that you have nothing left to say to the person you’re with and don’t find silence anywhere near as comfortable as Missis Mia Wallace once suggested it could be then, friend, I think it’s time to check your boredom barometer. Forever is a lot longer than you think and your Monogamy/ Monotony levels may already be getting too dangerously close for comfort.
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From the reports I’ve heard from friends dating websites / speed-dating events are actually just a more efficient method of being dumped and tend to take a lot of the romance out of…well, romance. And if, like me, you’re unwilling to settle for anything less than opaque, unpredictable Alabama and Clarence style love, if you abhor the idea of mediocrity in matters of the heart, then have I got some alternative avenues to adulation for you?!
In addition to placing your, notably glib, personal in the London Review of Books you might also consider:
1. Using your literary preferences to find love. A new website has been launched that helps you find potential beaus based on their book tastes. Unlike all of the mainstream sites you know that you’ve instantly got something in common with all of the members i.e. you read on a regular basis.
2. Volunteering some of your free time to a cause that you really care about. Not only will you be able to gloat to everyone about how altruistic you are, you’ll meet people who are like-minded and who care about the same things you do. A great foundation for a relationship if ever there was one.
3. Actually pursuing your interests. Properly. If you like film, join a film club. If you like to sing, join a local singing group or form your own band. I know it’s sometimes difficult to find time but you should make time for the things you really enjoy about life and there is a social element to just about every hobby – even the really geeky ones. It’s another great way to meet people who share your common interests.
4. Looking out for single’s nights at art galleries and museums. You could go to a speed-dating event where you have to “sell yourself” in 3 minutes to someone who is more concerned about how their sales pitch is coming across or you could go and look at some cool cultural stuff and see if anyone catches your eye. I know which one I’d rather be doing.
5. Harrassing one of your friends into hiring a hooker as a birthday gift for you. Just make sure you’re his or her first job, that they have a penchant for Kung-Fu flicks and think that “anytime of day is a good time for pie.” It can’t fail. Trust me. I saw it in a movie once.